Fair Play, Real Life: How we Manage the Mental Load As a Couple
Fair Play, Real Life: How We Manage the Mental Load as a Couple
Before kids, I would have described our relationship as pretty equitable.
We both worked. We both cooked. We both cared.
It wasn’t perfect, but it felt fair enough.
Then we had babies.
And like so many couples, everything changed.
This episode is part three of our mental load series, and this is where things finally get practical. Not theoretical. Not “communicate better.” Not “just ask for help.”
This is how my partner and I actually restructured the work of our life together using the Fair Play method, what worked, what didn’t, and why it mattered far more for our intimacy than I expected.
The Context Most Advice Leaves Out
Here’s the honest backdrop.
I’m an A-type, hyper-independent, perfectionist “do-it-all” person.
When I’m stressed, I upshift. I get faster, sharper, more critical.
My partner downshifts. When he’s stressed, he shuts down, zones out, goes quiet.
We also had layers that complicated everything:
Postpartum anxiety and rage I didn’t yet have language for
Neurodivergence in the mix
Different nervous system stress responses, hyper vs hypo
So I was constantly questioning myself:
Is this mental load blindness?
Is this his neurospicy brain?
Are my standards impossible?
Or is something actually off here?
The truth is all of it was dancing together.
And unless you separate those threads, you end up fixing the wrong problem or blaming the wrong person.
Therapy Didn’t “Fix” Us, But It Gave Us a Map
We went to therapy early. Like leaking-boobs-early.
Not because things were exploding, but because I could feel resentment, frustration, and contempt creeping in. The Four Horsemen were knocking, and I didn’t want to open the door.
Therapy didn’t prove me right. Rude.
What it did do was help us see the pattern:
When I get stressed, everything feels urgent and important
When he gets stressed, he shuts down
My criticism increases his shutdown
His shutdown increases my anxiety and control
Once we could read that pattern, we could interrupt it.
Not perfectly.
But intentionally.
That nervous system literacy became the foundation that made Fair Play usable later.
My Honest Take on the Fair Play Book
I want to say this clearly, because it matters.
The Fair Play book is written to validate women.
It is not written to engage defensive partners.
Eve Rodsky’s anger and frustration make sense. But if your partner already feels accused, overwhelmed, or misunderstood, asking them to read the whole book can backfire.
What worked better for us, and what I recommend if things are tender:
Share podcast episodes like this first
Use the Fair Play card deck without requiring the whole book
Or skip to the second half of the book and treat it like a manual, not a manifesto
This matters because defensiveness is a conversation-killer.
And Fair Play only works if both people can stay in the room.
What the Fair Play Method Actually Is
At its core, Fair Play does three critical things:
Makes invisible labor visible
Clarifies ownership
Reduces mental noise
The deck includes cards for everything:
Daily grind tasks like dishes, laundry, lunches
Emotional labor like maintaining friendships
Seasonal work like holidays
Crisis cards like illness, aging parents, or major life disruptions
If you live somewhere cold, you may need to add a snow-shoveling card.
The magic isn’t in the cards themselves.
It’s in the rules.
The Rules That Changed Everything
1. This is fair play, not 50/50 play
Fair is contextual. It shifts with seasons, workloads, health, and life realities.
2. If you own a card, you own the whole job
That means conceptualization, planning, and execution.
Not just “tell me what to do.”
3. Every card has a bare minimum standard
Defined together, ahead of time.
Not based on one person’s silent expectations.
4. Some cards are fluid, some are fixed
Bills might stay with one person. Pickups might rotate weekly.
5. This is an experiment, not a final verdict
You will not get it right the first time. That’s the point.
Why We Started Small (And You Should Too)
I do not recommend laying out all the cards and doing a full inventory if this conversation is new.
That’s a fast track to resentment.
Instead, we started with about 10 daily grind cards:
Dishes
Laundry
Cleaning
Groceries
Meals
School pickups
Bills
We assigned them for a short experiment window.
And then we paid attention.
The Part No One Warns You About
We do things differently.
And letting my partner do things his way, not my way, was the hardest part.
Laundry was my breaking point.
I had a system. A rhythm. A flow that worked for my nervous system.
When we swapped cards, my instinct was to micromanage:
“Here’s how to stay on top of it.”
“Here’s what works.”
“Here’s why this matters.”
But here’s the truth I had to face:
If I wanted the relief of not holding the card,
I had to let go of how the card was played, as long as the bare minimum standard was met.
That’s the trade.
The Real Relief Isn’t Fewer Tasks, It’s Fewer Open Tabs
This was the biggest shift.
Mental load exhaustion isn’t about doing too much.
It’s about thinking about too much.
When laundry truly wasn’t my job anymore, the tab closed.
When dishes became mine, I stopped judging how he did them.
When we fully owned cards instead of half-holding everything, the noise dropped.
Not because life got easier.
Because my brain got quieter.
The Hidden Saboteur: Randomly Assigned Tasks
Fair Play gave us language for a huge problem.
Randomly assigned tasks.
“Can you grab this on your way home?”
“Can you just do this one thing?”
Sometimes that’s teamwork.
Sometimes it’s just passing stress sideways.
Naming this changed how we ask for help and how we respond when things don’t get done.
Why This Helped Our Intimacy (Not Just Our House)
Here’s what shifted underneath everything:
I felt less alone
He felt less attacked
We felt more like teammates
We could see imbalance before resentment built
And when you feel like a team in daily life, intimacy stops feeling like another task to manage.
It starts to come back online naturally.
Using Fair Play for Big Seasons (Like Holidays)
We now use a mini Fair Play process for:
Christmas
Vacations
Busy work seasons
We meet early.
We talk about expectations.
We name what matters.
We divide the work before the stress hits.
And then, this is key, we adjust when reality proves us wrong.
Because the goal isn’t perfection.
It’s staying connected while life keeps changing.
The Bottom Line
Fair Play didn’t save our marriage.
What it did was:
Give us shared language
Make invisible work visible
Reduce mental noise
Restore a sense of partnership
And from there, intimacy had somewhere safe to land again.
In the next episode, we’re talking about the mental load of sex itself, who’s carrying it, why it matters, and how to stop intimacy from becoming another invisible job.
Until then, notice your tabs.
And ask yourself:
What would it feel like to truly close one?