Stressed Out and Touched Out? The Nervous System Secrets to Wanting Sex Again With Heather Drummond
If you've ever thought "What's wrong with me? Why don't I want sex?" you're not nuts and your body isn't broken forever. Your desire isn't gone, and your relationship isn't doomed. The culprit might be something you haven't even considered: your nervous system.
In my conversation with naturopathic practitioner Heather Drummond on the Sex After Kids Podcast, we explored how stress, trauma, and even everyday parenting chaos shape the way our bodies respond to intimacy. And more importantly - what you can do to shift things back into connection.
Heather Drummond is the founder of Healing Vitality and the creator of Intuitive Energy Resets, a unique approach that helps people restore balance to their nervous systems, release energetic patterns, and reconnect with their authentic vitality. She supports clients who are navigating stress, burnout, hormonal shifts, and chronic imbalances, guiding them toward greater regulation, resilience, and empowerment.
Listen or watch the new episode below:
Stress Responses in Disguise
Most of us think of stress as "busy days and too much on the to-do list." But in reality, your body has a handful of built-in survival responses. And they show up in your relationship in sneaky ways.
Fight → Criticism, outbursts, controlling behavior, judgment, picking fights over little things.
Flight → Busyness, over-scheduling, hyperactivity, avoidance, "I'll just clean the bathroom right now."
Freeze → Exhaustion, zoning out, indecision, numbing with food, scrolling, or Netflix.
Fawn → People-pleasing, duty sex, saying yes when your body really means no.
Sound familiar? These aren't just personality quirks. They're signs that your nervous system doesn't feel safe enough to relax into intimacy.
Why Safety Comes Before Desire
Heather and I both agreed: nervous system safety is pillar #1 of a thriving sex life.
Here's why: when your body is in fight/flight/freeze/fawn, pleasure literally feels unsafe. Your system is wired for survival, not connection. That's why you can love your partner deeply and still feel like intimacy is off the table.
It's not about libido. It’s about safety. And once your nervous system feels safe, desire has room to show up again.
Everyday Triggers You Might Be Missing
It's not just the big stressors that knock intimacy sideways. Parenting adds layer after layer of nervous system activation:
Two kids yelling while pasta boils on the stove.
A menstrual cycle that brings sensory overload in the luteal phase.
Autoimmune conditions or perimenopause that flood your body with fatigue and inflammation.
Old relationship wounds or sexual trauma that quietly resurface.
All of these can create a constant background alarm in your body. No wonder sex feels overwhelming instead of inviting.
The Power of the Pause
One of my favourite takeaways from our conversation: the pause.
When you notice yourself slipping into criticism, over-scheduling, zoning out, or people-pleasing, breathe and pause.
Take a breath. Ask: Do I really want to say yes right now? What do I need to feel safe?
Sometimes that pause is enough to shift out of survival mode and back into curiosity with your partner.
From Codependency to Interdependence
We also dug into the ways codependency shows up in relationships. Codependency is a big topic but it's a pattern in a relationship where we outsource our value as a person in the form of pleasing others and become overly reliant on each other for validation. In Heather's work she sees how codependency shows up in health challenges and for Sofia it's duty sex and not sharing our needs and limits which keeps us in roommate mode.
The antidote? Interdependence. Instead of thinking of your relationship as two trees that mesh together to become one strong one, think of it like two individually strong tress standing tall beside each other, sharing supports through their root systems. Real intimacy comes from two whole people choosing each other, not collapsing into one mushy ball of obligation.
Practical Steps You Can Try Tonight
Notice Your Stress State. Are you fighting, fleeing, freezing, or fawning? Awareness is the first step.
Use the Pause. Before saying yes (to sex, coffee, or anything else), take a beat and check in with your body.
Name It Out Loud. Saying "I feel overwhelmed" or "I need 5 minutes" creates safety for both partners.
Make Space for Solo Time. Intimacy thrives when both people also have room to recharge separately.
Create Rituals of Safety. Small gestures - a gentle touch, an intentional breath, a safe word for pausing intimacy - build trust and connection.
Want to Put This Into Practice?
If you're stuck in the merry-go-round of avoidance, where no one initiates because both of you are too scared of rejection or pressure, I’ve created a simple step-by-step guide for you:
✨ Touch Again Tonight™ – my free framework for initiating safe, pressure-free connection.
Also check out Heather’s website HERE
Do her guided gallbladder release practice for each other as a yummy way to connect and support teach others bodies. HERE. Or check out her tools for overwhelm and exhaustion HERE