When Sex Brings Up Shutdown, Tears, or Rushing, What's Actually Happening
If sex has started to feel confusing lately, you're not alone.
Maybe one of you shuts down, goes numb, or gets emotional during intimacy. Maybe the other rushes sex just to get through it, or feels rejected and unsure what to do. Maybe sex doesn't feel bad exactly, but it doesn't feel easy, light, or fun either.
And neither of you really knows why.
Most couples assume this means something is wrong:
Low desire
Loss of attraction
Relationship problems
A body that is not working anymore
But very often, what's happening isn't about desire at all.
It's about the nervous system.
Listen to the bonus episode here:
When the Body Feels Foreign, Sex Changes
After babies.
After trauma.
After surgery.
During perimenopause.
After years of stress or emotional overload, your body can start to feel unfamiliar, even like it's turned against you.
You might notice:
Numbness or lack of sensation
Pain, irritation, or tightness
Strong emotions during or after sex
A sudden urge to stop or escape
Or a reflex to rush intimacy just to get it over with
For the partner witnessing this, it can feel confusing and painful.
For the partner experiencing it, it can feel scary, frustrating, or shame inducing.
But here's the reframe that changes everything:
Your body isn't failing. It's protecting.
Why Shutdown and Rushing Are Both Protective Responses
When intimacy triggers old stress, unresolved experiences, or big body changes, the nervous system steps in to keep you safe.
This can look like:
Shutting down sensation
Creating emotional distance
Flooding with tears or irritation
Wanting sex to end quickly
None of this is a conscious choice. And none of it means sex is bad or unwanted.
It just means the body is sensing something unfamiliar and responding the only way it knows how.
The problem isn't the response, the problem is when couples don't have language or tools to work with it.
How Couples Get Stuck Without Meaning To
Without understanding what’s happening, couples often fall into painful loops:
One partner shuts down and the other feels rejected
One partner rushes and the other feels unseen
Emotions surface and both feel awkward bringing it up
Sex becomes loaded and intimacy starts to feel risky
You both roll over awkwardly and beat yourself up for not being able to do this sex thing.
Over time, avoidance grows, not because desire is gone, but because safety is shaky.
The Skill That Changes Everything, Staying Present Without Forcing
One of the biggest shifts in my own sex life, after years of fighting my body, was learning how to stay present without pushing for arousal or performance.
And equally important:
Teaching my partner how to support me without trying to fix me.
This shows up as:
Slowing down instead of powering through
Treating numbness or emotion as information, not a failure
Letting intimacy be about connection, not outcomes
Working with the body instead of against it
When both partners understand what’s happening, sex stops being a test and starts becoming a place of trust again.
This Isn't About Going Back to How Sex Used to Be
Bodies change.
Nervous systems adapt.
Life leaves marks.
The goal isn't to get your old sex life back.
The goal is to create a sex life that fits the bodies you’re in now, one that feels safe, mutual, and genuinely enjoyable.
Light.
Easy.
Fun again.
If This Sounds Like You, You Don’t Have to Figure It Out Alone
If this week's podcast episode resonated, if it felt like someone finally named what's been happening in your bedroom, the next step isn't trying harder.
It's getting support.
A Spark Session is a free 30 minute call where we:
Make sense of what's happening in your dynamic
Identify why shutdown or rushing shows up
Clarify what actually helps in the moment
Create a path back to intimacy that feels good for both of you
Whether you're the partner whose body is holding trauma, or the partner who wants to support without making things worse, this is a place to get unstuck.
Book your Spark Session HERE
You're not broken.
Your relationship isn’t failing.
You're just at a point where intimacy needs new tools.
And that's something you can learn together.