Fatherhood and Sex: What No One Tells You About Men After Kids

Why your partner might feel rejected, invisible, and desperate for connection, but not know how to say it.

Becoming a parent is a life-altering experience. That's not news. But here's what no one told us: It messes with men just as deeply as it does with women.

In this week's episode of Sex After Kids, I sat down with Dan Doty, founder of Fatherhood Unlocked and one of the most grounded voices in men's emotional health, to talk about what happens to men, emotionally, sexually, and relationally, after kids enter the picture.

And let me tell you... it was eye-opening as hell.

Watch/listen to this episode or keep reading below >>

The Invisible Identity Crisis of Fatherhood

There's a term floating around the internet: "matrescence", the massive identity shift women go through when they become mothers.

But did you know there's a parallel experience for dads? It is called "patrescence", and while it's less discussed, it's just as intense.

The moment a man becomes a father, he goes through a complete nervous system and identity reset. He might not have the leaky boobs or hormone crashes, but emotionally? He's swimming in the deep end with no life raft.

Most men don't have the emotional language or support systems to name what’s happening. So what do they do?

They withdraw. They chase sex. They joke. They implode.

"Even after 20 years of inner work, I was completely blindsided by how hard fatherhood hit me," Dan shared.

Why Sex Feels Like Survival for Dads

Here's where things got real.

Dan explained that for many men, sex isn't just about pleasure, it's about belonging. It's often the only way they know they're loved, valued, or still connected in the relationship.

So when sex drops off (as it often does after kids), it's not just about being horny, it's about feeling rejected at a core identity level.

They might not even realize this themselves, but you better believe it affects how they show up.

Let that land:
Your partner might be initiating sex not because he's selfish or demanding...
But because he's scared. Lonely. And unsure of his place in your life.

That doesn't make pressure okay. But it does give you insight into what’s underneath that tension.

The Shame Spiral Both Partners Fall Into

Let's not sugar-coat it:

• You're exhausted.

• You feel touched out.

• And you're tired of being seen as a walking sex vending machine.
  
  

But on the flip side, your partner is wondering:

• "Does she still love me?"

• "Am I still attractive to her?"

• "What's wrong with me?"
  

Dan called this "the fear under the surface." The quiet desperation that grows when physical intimacy fades, and no one's talking about it in a way that actually helps.

This is where resentment breeds. Where good relationships quietly deteriorate.

And the kicker? Neither partner is the villain.

We're all playing out outdated scripts, and they're failing us.

So What Do You Do With All This?

Here's what Dan and I both agree on: Understanding doesn’t excuse behaviour.

But when you see your partner's actions not as manipulation or selfishness, but as unskilled bids for connection, something shifts.

Here are three takeaways from our convo:

1. Stop Playing Sexual Stereotypes

We've all internalized narratives like:

• "He just wants to get off."

• "She's frigid and withholding."

But behind those stereotypes is usually pain, fear, and longing. Toss the old scripts.Get curious about where your immediate judgement is coming from, and your partners, and ask yourself what is the real ask underneath the surface. Write your own rules from there.

2. Give Each Other a New Map

Your body changed. His role changed. Your relationship changed.
Guess what? Your sex life needs a new map too.

You're not broken. You just need new skills, new conversations, and a new approach to connection that fits this version of your lives.

Start small. Start honest. Start somewhere.

3. Rebuild Safety First, then Sex Later

This isn't about pushing yourself into sex you don't want.
This is about rebuilding a foundation of safety, affection, and emotional closeness, so sex becomes a natural outcome, not a pressured performance.

And if you're the one with the higher libido, and you're feeling crushed by rejection, you don't have to white-knuckle your way through it.

There is a path forward.

Want a Practical Way to Reconnect Without the Pressure?

That's exactly why I created the Roommates to Romance Challenge, a 14-day connection reboot designed specifically for higher libido partners and often dads to take the lead.

Learn how to build emotional safety, flirt without pressure, and stop walking on eggshells.

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My Final Thoughts

We talk a lot about what moms go through.
It's time we talk about dads, too.

Because when we understand what's really going on behind the frustration, the shutdowns, the awkward initiations, we can stop reacting -- and start reconnecting.

You're not alone. And neither is he.

If this post hit home, share it with a friend — or better yet, share it with your partner.

And then tell me:
What landed most for you from this conversation with Dan?
Drop it in the comments or send me a DM. I'd love to hear from you.