[RETRO] 5 Ways Shitty Sex Ed is Messing with Your Sex Life After Kids
Let's just start here: most of us got terrible sex education.
Not mediocre or slightly outdated, actually terrible.
And before you brush this off as something that happened in a fluorescent-lit classroom 25 years ago, I want you to consider something gently but honestly: the way you were taught about sex — or not taught — is still living in your nervous system. It is still shaping how you feel when your partner touches you. It is still influencing whether you speak up, whether you freeze, whether you perform, whether you avoid.
If you're navigating sex after kids, postpartum body changes, blended family life, perimenopause, or simply the long stretch of a long-term relationship, your early sex education is part of the story. Not the whole story — but a significant chapter.
So let's unpack the five biggest ways it's still affecting you.
Watch or listen to the episode here or continue reading below:
Sex Was Framed as Dangerous, Not Pleasurable
Think back to what you actually learned in school.
You likely learned how not to get pregnant. You likely learned how not to get an STI. You may have been shown frightening images meant to scare you straight. What you probably did not learn was that sex is designed to feel good. That pleasure is not a side effect — it's part of the design.
For many of us sex was framed as risky, shameful, something to control or avoid. The messaging was subtle or explicit, but it landed the same way: your sexual urges were something to be managed, not explored.
Fast forward twenty years and now you're in a committed relationship. You love your partner. You want connection. And yet your body doesn't always respond the way you think it "should."
That makes sense.
When your brain associates sex with danger, risk, or moral failure, your nervous system does not relax. And without relaxation, arousal has a hard time building. Shame is not just a mindset problem. It’s physiological. It tightens muscles. It speeds up thoughts. It dampens desire.
You are not broken if sex feels tense or pressured. You may simply be carrying old programming that was never updated.
You Were Never Taught Your Own Anatomy
Most of us learned about reproduction, not pleasure.
We learned about ovaries and sperm. We learned about periods and erections. But we did not learn about nerve pathways, arousal patterns, or how different kinds of touch activate different parts of the brain. We were not taught how our bodies actually experience pleasure.
And we were definitely not encouraged to explore that pleasure ourselves.
Masturbation was either skipped entirely or treated as embarrassing. For boys, it was joked about. For girls, it was often shrouded in silence or shame. That double standard still echoes.
Here's the hard reality: you cannot ask for what you don't understand. You cannot guide a partner through terrain you’ve never explored.
Especially after kids, when the landscape has changed. Pregnancy, birth, tearing, scar tissue, hormonal shifts — all of it alters sensation. What felt good at 25 may not feel good at 35 or 45. If you're waiting for your partner to magically figure out the new map without you ever studying it yourself, you're setting both of you up for frustration.
Masturbation isn't selfish. It's research and development. It's how you rebuild a relationship with your body. It's how you discover what speed, pressure, rhythm, and location feel good now.
Imagine if partners supported that exploration instead of feeling threatened by it. Imagine saying, "I want you to go explore and then tell me what you discover." That's collaboration. That's growth. That's maturity.
You Probably Didn’t See Yourself Represented
Most sex education still focuses on one script: penis, vagina, intercourse, baby.
That's it.
But even in heterosexual, monogamous relationships, intercourse is not the only way to experience pleasure. And for anyone who exists outside strict heterosexual norms, traditional gender roles, or monogamy, early sex-ed likely erased your reality entirely.
When you don't see yourself represented, you internalize the message that your desires are wrong, abnormal, or dangerous. That message doesn't disappear just because you get older. It shows up in hesitation. It shows up in secrecy. It shows up in that subtle sense that certain fantasies or curiosities are "too much."
Even if you are in a very traditional relationship structure, you likely absorbed a narrow menu of what counts as "real sex." That limitation shapes what you allow yourself to want and what you feel comfortable asking for.
There are so many ways to give and receive pleasure. When your early education shrank the menu, your adult sex life may still be operating within those invisible boundaries.
Fear Was Used as a Teaching Tool — And Your Body Remembers
Many of us sat through STI scare lectures complete with graphic images and heavy-handed warnings. Fear was the strategy. And while safety matters, fear does not create relaxed, embodied sexuality.
Anything that activates your fight-or-flight system makes orgasm harder.
Add in the reality of adulthood: fear of another pregnancy, anxiety about birth control, infidelity wounds, polyamorous dynamics, hormonal changes. Even in stable, long-term relationships, pregnancy anxiety alone can weigh heavily on arousal.
I've seen firsthand how removing pregnancy fear in a relationship can change the emotional tone of sex entirely. When the nervous system feels safer, the body softens. Presence increases. Pleasure follows more easily.
You may not consciously think about those old scare tactics anymore. But your nervous system remembers. And your nervous system always gets a vote.
No One Taught You How to Talk About Sex
This might be the most damaging gap of all.
You were not taught how to identify what you want. You were not taught how to express it clearly and kindly. You were not taught how to hear "no" without spiralling into rejection. You were not taught how to give feedback without sounding critical. You were not taught how to repair after an awkward moment.
Consent today is talked about more than it used to be, which is good. But consent isn't just a checkbox. It's a skill set. It requires self-awareness, emotional regulation, vulnerability, and communication.
Without those tools, couples fall into silence.
One partner feels rejected. The other feels pressured. Both feel misunderstood. And instead of having a conversation, you avoid it. Or you fight. Or you shut down.
By the time couples come to me, they're often exhausted. They’re not just frustrated about sex. They're frustrated about not being able to talk about sex.
Of course you struggle. No one taught you how.
So Where Do You Start?
You don't have to begin with a dramatic "We need to fix our sex life" conversation.
Start smaller.
Swap stories about sex ed. Ask each other what you remember. What was the tone? Who talked to you about sex? What felt scary? What felt missing? What questions did you have that never got answered?
This is a low-stakes doorway into a high-stakes topic.
You will likely discover shared confusion. Shared shame. Shared misinformation. And often, shared relief that you’re not alone in it.
From there, you can begin updating the manual together.
The Bottom Line
You are not bad at sex. You are undereducated.
You are not broken. You were never properly taught.
And the beautiful thing about being an adult is that you get to learn now. You get to explore. You get to practice. You get to build communication skills. You get to redefine pleasure on your terms.
Especially after kids.
Especially in midlife.
Especially when things feel hard.
Nothing changes by staying silent. But so much can change when you’re willing to look at the old programming and decide it no longer gets to run the show.
And that, my friend, is where the real fun begins.
Get things started again with the Roommates to Romance Challenge. In just 14 days I'll help you go from "not tonight" to "let's stay up late."