Ten Years and Three Kids Later, My Libido Was on Ice

Ten Years and Three Kids Later, My Libido Was on Ice

Ten years into my relationship, two babies and one stepkid later, my libido was on ice.

My youngest was inching closer to three, and I still was not having regular sex by any stretch. And by that I mean it was hard to remember the last time I had done it with my partner, and even harder to imagine wanting it in any form.

My partner tried regularly. He told me often that he found me sexy, which I would shrink at while I grabbed my little post baby pooch. Our connection was good. And still I could not find it in me to care, or to put in the effort, most of the time. When I did, it was usually on the condition that he did all the work. Which meant that even when it worked, and lots of times it did not, I would feel guilty and ashamed at my own laziness and lack of interest. I did not feel like I was being a good partner.

Three kiddos in the house, two under six. We spent most nights apart, cuddling small children instead of each other. Two full time jobs, a neurospicy household, all of life's demands. Even with the help of grandparents, and I know a lot of you do not have that, we were lucky to get moments of laughter and connection between cleaning the kitchen and making tomorrow's lunches.

But there was something different about this flavour of not wanting sex. Different from earlier stages of my relationship, different from earlier postpartum periods. So let me rewind.

Back to the Beginning

I was on the cusp of 31 and I had desperately wanted kids since I was about 25. Then I met an awesome guy with a four year old, who wooed me with a trip to the cabin, moose meat steak, and good political conversation. That was pretty much it. I was in.

The early days were typical, sex wise. Lots of novelty and discovery. But as soon as we moved in together, I had this moment where I realized I was in married with kids sex land. I was used to sex anytime, anywhere, usually once or twice a day. That was not my reality anymore. Saturday mornings were not for lazy naked lounging. They were for waffles and Lego. My husband was tired from mostly single parenting. The kiddo needed cuddles late into the night. The privacy and the time and the energy I had were all different.

That was my very first taste of having a proactive conversation with my partner about the season we were in and what was going to work for our sex life in that season.

The Maintenance Agreement

Fast forward about three years and my long awaited first daughter was born. As a first time parent I had a fair amount of anxiety. She did not sleep well. She did not eat well. She was exclusively breastfed, so I was on a 24 hour schedule and barely sleeping myself. There was always, always something to worry about.

Plenty was shutting down my sex drive. But I still had a desire for sex and for connection with my partner. Somewhere in that first year postpartum, we figured out that sex was an important stress release valve for us, especially when resentment was rising and we were fighting a lot. So we made a maintenance sex agreement. At minimum, once a month, someone had to tap the other on the shoulder and say, it is time. We were not going for glory or two hour tantra sessions. Just a basic get it done session. And it really worked for us at the time. Another example of us naming what we each needed and figuring out together what would work.

Then It Went Sub-Zero

Three years and one very surprise pregnancy later, my son arrived. That was an intense pregnancy, and there was a lot going on in our extended family after he was born. I started work at eight months postpartum at the local women's centre, which was amazing and also full. My stress cup was overloaded.

Another year in, I found out I had Hashimoto's, an autoimmune disorder that affects your thyroid. It causes fatigue and, surprise, it affects your libido. I was having PMS like I had never had before. I felt out of touch with my body. I was overstimulated by two littles who wanted my attention all the time. I do not think I really understood the meaning of touched out until I had two kids. When my naturopath asked me just how tired I was, I had no way to answer, because rest was not an option.

My libido was not just dormant this time. It was completely on ice. Zero interest. Sub zero. And the maintenance thing was not working anymore. Instead of being a connection and release valve, underwhelming sex was making me not want more sex.

We would talk about it sometimes, this not having sex thing. But mostly I did not know what to say and he did not know how to help. So we felt stuck, like I am sure a lot of you do. We considered buying online massage classes. I thought about reading some better BJ books. We talked about scheduling sex dates. The drought just dragged on.

The Brain Gremlins

The turning point came when the weight of the proverbial elephant in the room became unbearable. Even as a trained sex coach. Even as someone with the tools in my pocket. I struggled to motivate myself, until I had that feeling. Maybe you have had it too. The one where you want to curl up in a ball and cry after sex, because the weight of everything unsaid feels so heavy and so sad.

So many thoughts were going through my mind. I like to call them brain gremlins. I did not want to hurt his feelings. I could not imagine a way for it to get better. When we did try things, they did not last long because we were both so tired. It is supposed to be fun, right? Easy, natural, magical. So there must be something wrong with me, or us. And are we not all doomed to sexless marriages anyway? And besides, sex is not that important to me or to my relationship.

But my sadness was saying otherwise.

I had all these committee members talking to me. And finally my sadness spoke up. If I fast forwarded my marriage another five years of this, I did not like what I imagined.

The Turning Point

One day I just said, that is it. Ignoring this is costing me more than the risk of talking about it. Even if I am terrified of talking about it.

So I reminded myself of everything I had learned and put into practice. This time, when I tuned into what was working for me, I could feel that my body was seeking new and novel experiences. That less frequency but better quality was what I was craving in this era.

This conversation felt like the hardest of all three we had had. I am not sure why. I was feeling quite sad and overwhelmed by the situation, I think. So I had to coach myself.

What I Had to Remember

I had to remember a few things I am constantly reminding other people.

We are not born five star sex chefs. Learning together is how we make it better together.

We are not born five-star sex chefs.

My body was not broken. It was talking to me and telling me what it needed. Telling me I was too stressed. Telling me I had a thyroid disorder. Telling me I needed to support myself.

I cannot change what I cannot talk about. And I wanted this to change. And failing forward, with games and play, is the solution.

Those first few conversations were not the easiest. They were not smooth. They were awkward and uncomfortable. But I relearned a lesson I have had a hard time remembering my whole life. The big conversation you are putting off is never as bad as you imagined it in your own head.

The Conversation You Are Avoiding

The conversation you are avoiding is the way back to the connection you are craving, regardless of the outcome of that conversation.

The conversation you are avoiding is the way back to the connection you are craving.

I will say it again, because it matters. The conversation you are avoiding is the way back to the connection you are craving. In fact, the first time we really tabled this after baby number three, talking about our sex life and what we wanted and needed turned us both on so much that we had a fabulous romp right afterward. It was wild.

So I highly recommend finding the courage and the words to talk about it.

Where I Am Now

Fast forward to today. I am not the sex goddess of my 20s. Scratch that, I do not think I was ever a sex goddess. But a new version of me and my sexuality is on the horizon. I feel more connected to my partner. I know how to create that connection quickly when times are tough. We are having regular sex at a frequency that feels good for us, because the number is different for everyone. And I know we are on the path to even better.

If I am honest, things are also finally shifting as we pass the three year mark with our youngest. People are sleeping through the night. There is a smidge more space, and that helps us both prioritize intimacy a little more.

So I want to underline this. Some seasons are just harder, and the first three years in particular do not leave much room. But there is always just enough to keep you tethered to each other, so that when you emerge on the other side, when your kids are five and seven and ten, you do not look across the couch and think, who is that stranger.

I am learning every day. Challenging myself to confidently initiate again, to shift a maybe into a yes, and to feel okay about my no's when they come. I am shedding the guilt and the embarrassment and the shame and the resentment. And when we get naked together, we generally have playful, fun, easy, connected times. That makes my body want to come back for more.

The most important piece is this. I am learning how to create a party that my unique libido wants to show up to. And my partner is learning how to help me create that party too.

I know the same is possible for you, because I have done it. Three times now, after three kids. Even without a lot of time, even without a lot of privacy, even when I did not want sex most of the time, I still made it happen.

Your sex life is yours to create, just like every other part of your life.

Your sex life is yours to create, just like every other part of your life.

You can wait around for it to magically become what you want. Or you can show up for yourself and for your pleasure and see what magic comes from there.

Want In

If this is landing for you, this is exactly what I do in my 1:1 coaching with couples. I am opening up 10 spots to the waitlist for late September 2026. If you are debating support, unsure if this is the right thing, get your butt on the waitlist and I’ll give you all the details.